God did a
miracle for me in 2009 / 2010 and set me free from a deep anxiety and fear
which I believe was caused by childhood abandonment. And to this day, I believe
that the kingdom of God is righteousness peace and joy in the Holy Spirit , and
that anyone can be healed from mental psychological or deep set emotional
conditions due to childhood trauma, because – ‘In Christ we are made complete’.
This was the
time I was having so much trouble at my work, in my health, and my marriage -
newly married at 28, and no idea how to cope with a major crisis in my new
family, the total sum of the circumstances amounted to what was to me, an
overwhelming challenge.
I had an
unexplainable fear in me which would keep rising keeping me from sleep nigh
after night. The pattern was that it would emerge immediately after I prayed
and read the word and spent time with God, the fear just would rise within my
heart whenever the experience of God’s presence ceased. it kept me up such that
I was sleeping 3-4 hours a day. I would go an hour or two of sleep one day or
two, then back to 3-4 hours of sleep which I considered to be a good day. I
could never go 3-4 hours two days in a row somehow.
My body was
breaking down...I was just too tired and worn out from taking care of my wife
and struggling in a job that paid the bills but something that i was terrible
at doing – math! on top of that the workplace was very hostile, my co-workers
drank and talked about sex and my boss seemed to especially hate me. he once
asked me to talk and said – ‘how can one not put money first in life? How can
Christianity be real?’ as if to taunt me. It was an insurance company but the
atmosphere was dark – the boss was a ruthless man who fired people in rapid
succession and used them and he would made them take the fall for him. I
couldn't afford to be fired I didn't want to live with my folks.
This lasted
for 2-3 years. The insomnia gave me pain in my body in strange parts – my
chest, my liver etc. I was exhausted- my stomach was going crazy because of
stress – it bloated terribly, I was always sick with the flu monthly and my old
shoulder injury would give me back pain.
The total
effect of these trials was to make me draw close to God. I would cling tightly
to whatever encouragement I had, read the bible or pray in tongues during my
lunch breaks just for the physical strength to carry on.
When biblical
truth spoke to me or when the lord would speak to my heart, it had a
strengthening effect on me physically – I would ask the lord to strengthen me
with His word daily and receive encouragements for my day even before I woke up
– the spirit would whisper to my heart something I needed for my day, when I
was between sleep and wake, because I was always in warfare. But the Holy
Spirit was so real and intimacy with Him so precious.
Psalm 94:19
NASB
[19] When my
anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.
One morning I
woke up with the above verse whispered to me- Holy Spirit was so real to me-
His comfort, friendship and strength. 'Draw near to me, I will draw near to
you.'
One morning i
woke up at about 3/4 Am. I just prayed and worshipped and prayed some more. it
was a Sunday morning and i knew we had church later. but the
unexplainable fear was keeping me up. So I decided to worship and pray
and take his promise that His kingdom is righteousness peace and joy in the
Holy Spirit,and boldly go into His presence for Him to fulfill the kingdom’s
promise to me. This promise contrasted with my continual fearful experience.
Isa 53:5
(NASV)
But he was pierced for our
transgressions (sins); he was crushed for our iniquities (sin nature passed
down by generations); upon him was the chastisement (punishment) that brought
us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.
So i
worshiped and believed - Jesus you died to give me peace – the punishment for
our peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. I interpreted this to
mean, if I did not have peace, whatever wounds that are causing my lack of
peace, Jesus has taken my wounds and brokenness, so that He can come in and
give me His peace in exchange as I trust Him and His finished work at the cross.
He died with
my sins, with my abuses, with my wounds in my soul on Him. I sang songs about
the cross and believed that God was greater than this fear and sought to touch
his presence in a powerful way such that i would be well and changed -like the
woman with the issue of blood who sought to touch Jesus robe, I also wanted to
draw close because He is the healer.
In my mind I
had the example of Jacob wrestling with Jesus saying, I would not let you
go till you bless me! And He was transformed by the fight of faith. God
touched Him and changed him, he would touch me and change me too.
The verse
‘the violent take it by force in the kingdom of God’ seemed to indicate what I
had to do – press in to His presence by faith and take what was mine - Christ
Himself, His wholeness, power and presence in my life. I was seeking God
Himself to be real and full in me, in that moment of great need. I had to
believe that Jesus had already healed me. I had to boldly press in to touch God
by faith. What choice did I have? I could not give up!
It was
a battle to believe in Jesus, it was a fight of faith.and even the faith I
lacked if I depended on Him would be provided to me by the Holy Spirit who
works in me to will and do for His own good pleasure. Ok no turning back,
pressing forward.
there was a
breakthrough of his presence at about 830am. it felt like a drizzle in the
room, the Holy Spirit's gentle peace filled my heart and the atmosphere around
me. The drizzle of his presence continued very gradually until I was full of
his presence and peace in my heart, and when I felt full of peace, I had a
vision right away.
It was a
vision of a little newborn infant crying in a crib in a room. it was crying for
a very long time and the cries got worse. as the infant cried, I also cried -we
were in sync. Everything he felt I felt also. i could feel his pain his
loneliness. The meaning of his cries I felt intensely – he was crying “Why am i
alone?” “Does anyone love me, does anyone want me?”. From cries, now he's
bawling the infant, I start bawling also like tears streaming uncontrollably
and inexplicably, the loneliness and sense of being unwanted was intense.
A figure in
white in my vision appears and takes up the infant holds it over his shoulder,
rocks him up and down and pats his back and says “I want you, I love you, you
are my Son...”
Over and over
and over. And I can feel peace filling up and healing my heart.
The next
vision comes – a series of visions - I am older, 2 years old then 4 years old,
and the man in white is there, saying “well done, you are strong, you are my
Son, I love you over and over” praising me, encouraging me saying I belong to
Him. I remember a lot of hugs with Jesus in my vision, a lot of physical touch.
If you read
psychological literature which I later on read, the childhood development of
brain structure depends heavily on the nurturing physical touch provided by
main caregivers. This is a vital component to growing up soundly, healthily and
being emotionally and mentally balanced.
He asks me
when the vision changes- when I am old enough to speak. 'What do you want to do?'
I say 'i want
to ride my car downstairs '
We lived in a
flat but no one was able to take me downstairs to play – or rather my granma
did not – I have no memories to date of my granma doting or loving on me, or
playing with me or hugging me, I never grew attached to her or learnt her
language which is telling... – I don't really have memories of being hugged and
loved and snuggled my my dad or mom also - or them playing with me as a child,
a little but not much I could count the memories with half a hand.
When i was 4
or 5 years old to play down on the flat ground downstairs in my favourite red
paddle car was all I wanted - to be in wide open space free of the confines of
my flat which seemed a prison, because I was so seldom outside for play as a
child.
I don't
remember any of these memories when these vision happens I have forgotten all
about my red car by the time of this vision
Again - Jesus
asks what do you want to do I say 'snuggle!' I never had a dad or my mom
snuggle me in bed. And Jesus is there taking me in the vision downstairs for my
car ride, snuggling, eating ice cream… I have few memories of ice cream since I
was really sickly as a child and chronically asthmatic and I was sickly even
till I was 28 as an adult. I believe my childhood and adult poor health was a
direct result of neglect.
Jesus plays
with me when I am older in the vision I am dressed in cardboard knights Armour
and a cardboard sword we have fun, we laugh.
We wrestle-
we play fight and he says over and over 'you are my Son, I love you, you are
strong'
My soul I
believe needed these things to live and God being the good Father that He is
filled in me. Jesus had Father say over Him- 'my beloved Son in whom I am well
pleased' “I love you, I value you, you matter, you are strong, you are
mine” And In Christ we have those things also we are the beloved one in whom He
is well pleased. Scripture says twice: ‘the spirit testifies with our spirit we
are the sons of God.’ (Galatians and Romans)
God filled in
my experience through the Holy Spirit- testifying that he loved me, I belonged
to Him, I was His Son, like in Romans and Galatians.
God is a good
Father, a perfect Father, in Christ and through Christ- because He was
abandoned, we can know we are beloved and lavished with love and grace in Him-
Jesus said He wants to reveal the Father heart of God to us. And Father and Son
make their home in us. He says, ' the glory I have I give to them' that they
may be one in the Father and in the Son- intimacy, power, love in authentic
spiritual experiences.
I think the
limited amount of nurturing and care I received as a child really disrupted the
development of a solid sense of worth and self (identity) in me.
I think there
was a spirit of fear that i lived with because of abandonment and living in a
household that was continually chaotic, arguments between my dad and mom every
single day – wondering and afraid continually that they would divorce at any
moment throughout my childhood all the way till I was 27 when I moved out.
The word says
'every family on earth derives its name or identity from God the Father.' This
means that we are to derive our sense of worth from Father God. We are to find
ourselves in Christ, who gives us worth through the cross, I suppose the
spiritual promise needed to become a spiritual experience that could heal my
soul and my past. The healing happened In my spirit man, overflowing in healing
me to the soul before the spirit of fear could be cast out.
I believe
that day I was delivered from a spirit of fear and God dealt with several
issues at once - deep seated anxiety, a deep sense of worthlessness, a hollow sense of identity and absence of normal, human desires and a
strong sense of deadness I carried around in my heart till that point.
I still have
wounds and issues –but I don’t struggle with insomnia anymore or that terrible
inexplicable fear – which I identify to be the fear of abandonment that God
will leave me as my caretakers did – for ‘I am with you always till the end of
the age’, ‘I will never leave you nor abandon you. (Heb 13:5)'. I am far less
prone to anxiety, fear and worry than before this experience and I am moving
towards His healing and wholeness, in His love.
Ps 23 'He leads me beside the quiet waters, He restores my soul.'
My purpose in writing this is not to claim that I am special in anyway. If anything, God had to do a miracle in my life just to get me to a place where I could (barely) function as well as other people.
No, I am not special, but I believe I was given this experience so that the body of Christ can see and know that the heart and nature of the Father.
Isaiah says 'a bruised reed he will not break', 'He binds up the brokenhearted' Isaiah 60. God loves to heal and he led me on a journey spanning several years which led up to the story you read above.
The books which helped in my healing prior to the above story are:
1) Andrew Murray's 'The Deeper Christian life' which is the start point of living a surrendered life to God. Free E copy available here http://www.ccel.org/ccel/murray/deeper.html
2) Andrew Murray's 'With Christ in the School of Prayer' which built a relational view of Christianity and grounded my foundations of faith in an attitude of surrender and dependence - it also has solid biblical teaching on healing and faith. Free E copy available here http://www.ccel.org/ccel/murray/prayer.toc.html
3) Boundaries - by Townsend and Cloud which gave me some courage to begin to assert myself and say no, its a guide to establishing boundaries in life.
4) Fathered by God by John Eldridge
